Thoughts While Meeting, In a Closet, With My Heart...

Queridos amigos y familia,

A few weeks ago Amati and I made a spiritual pilgrimage to San Salvador for a visit to the tomb of my hero, the late Archbishop Oscar Romero. Romero advocated for government changes that would feed and educate the people, and he knew he would die a violent death because of it.

During the 1970s and 80s, death squads were hired by the ARENA government to rape, torture, and murder rural poor people in fear that the poor, restless with their hunger, might find a way to organize themselves and topple the government. The death squads were also hired to murder professors, teachers, nuns, priests, university students and anyone else speaking on behalf of lawful elections, land reform, or free education. In all, over 75,000 Salvadorans were killed, one million would flee the country, another million were left homeless, constantly on the run from the army, and this in a country of only 5.5 million persons. Most of those killed (women and children) never touched a gun.

Romero offered the people weekly homilies broadcast throughout the country, his voice assuring them, not that atrocities would cease, but that the church of the poor, themselves, would live on.

"If some day they take away the radio station from us ... if they don't let us speak, if they kill all the priests and the bishop too, and you are left a people without priests, each one of you must become God's microphone, each one of you must become a prophet."

By 1980, amidst overarching violence, Romero wrote to President Jimmy Carter pleading with him to cease sending military aid because, he wrote, "it is being used to repress my people." The U.S. sent $1.5 million in aid every day for 12 years. His letter went unheeded. Two months later he was assassinated while sharing the Eucharist.

We also visited the University where several Jesuit priests, their maid and her daughter were shot. Their bodies were dragged outside where the assassins cut out and spread the brains of their victims all over the lawn. The woman and child were raped before being shot. It has been proven that all of the marksmen received their orders from upper government or military authorities.

At Hopkins High School our Spanish Four curriculum includes a unit called Diverse Perspectives where students examine primary documents in order to understand the civil war in El Salvador. These include documents from the Dept of Defense, farmers, Cuba, Nicaragua, the land owning elite, the Catholic Church, unions, women, Reagan, Carter, Death Squads. As you may expect, this topic prompts many phone calls to the principals! My colleagues and I stand by our well-balanced curriculum because this history is presented no where else in K-12 education. The twentieth century has been the bloodiest century in history. We must re-think our curriculum.

Amati, upon seeing the graphic pictures, and his mom shed tears at Romero's tomb, asked a lot of questions many never ask in a lifetime. When he put on his Romero t-shirt later that night, he paused for a moment, touched Romero's picture on the front, and said. "I feel so good wearing this shirt -- like I am for justice and peace."

Then, "Where are we going to eat -- Pizza Hut?"

For those wondering if we did eat at Pizza Hut, we did not. With grumbly bellies we walked for 45 minutes that night past Burger King, Dominoes, Blockbuster, KFC (the size of Mall of America), in order to find pupusas and casamiento. Well worth the walk.

"To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who would rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closets." -- Charles Caleb Colton

Whether it is a week canoeing in the Boundary Waters, a silent retreat, or a sojourn to another land, the stepping out of our paved, over-scheduled, over-stimulated habitat prompts introspection that is often uncomfortable. We know we need to encounter our hearts, yet we know it can be unsettling. We also know if we don't flee this tension, we are allowing ourselves a rite of passage. Here are some questions I still stick with while meeting my heart in the closet.

Sharing or achieving?

It seems in my culture many have an internalized belief every US American has something to give and that at all times one should be giving. "What will you be doing in Nicaragua?" people asked prior to my departure. I replied. "Well, I will be a student of Nicaragua." ... Uncomfortable silence. ... "Well, will you be teaching?" "No, we will do witness and assimilate as best we can to Nicaraguan culture, Amati will learn Spanish, I will observe how Non-Governmental Organizations function."

I resisted communicating any do-good illusions that I could make a profound difference in such a short time without knowing the people, the needs, and without invitation. "If there were to appear a niche where I could contribute, it will find me," I thought.

I never anticipated that relaxed conversations, shared meals, and learning would be so stressful. I nervously clutched my agenda wherever I went, checking it often only to stare at blank pages. Ensuing low self value and blue moods appeared. I need to be useful! Though it was a ludicrous, irrational assumption, I feared people were imagining me sipping Rum and Coca-Cola under a palm tree! I felt pressure to do in order to justify this paid vacation.

It then struck me -- "Stephanie, are you here to share and learn, or are you here to achieve something or prove something to yourself?" By golly, I have volunteered to find self worth in just being rather than doing. How humbling. I need Nicaragua more than Nicaragua could ever need me.

How often do we unconsciously over-fill our agendas in order to avoid meeting our hearts in the calm? Opportunities for doing surfaced for me after a few months and finally I found my gringa groove. I felt relieved to finally feel useful while creating curriculum for teachers and facilitating teacher trainings, launching and completing the 550 BOOKS campaign, creating promotional flyers for PML delegations, planning leadership trainings for young adults, facilitating Camp Nueva Esperanza. Thank God for full agendas, and the resulting refuge from uncomfortable insights!

Culture shock! For whom?

PML should have done culture shock training for the Nicaraguans in preparation for "gringo moments." Here are a few examples:

How often have I expressed concern about transnational corporations eating up small, national business as I sip a cool drink? Could my presence actually be harmful to Nicaragua? At times I see myself as a walking, talking billboard advertising everything USA. Transnationals couldn't find a more effective advertising campaign! Nike running shorts, Saucony shoes, GAP t-shirt, Diet Coke, Rice Krispies. I felt like I should carry a sign saying, "Don't crave this too much; you don't have the remotest chance of profiting from the delusive ideals promoted here."

Imagine the culture shock when I turn away children who stop by the house begging as I sit down for a filet mignon; my candle lit. Even the poorest Nicaraguans give something to beggars.

Kenya, a friend here in León, has lost 80 pounds in the last 10 months. She often invites friends who are struggling with their weight to work out with her. Recently I suggested that she begin a small business as a personal trainer. She looked at me, shocked at the suggestion she would market something that brings her so much joy and companionship. Ah yes, I remembered. Community benefit over personal gain. Not surprising, Kenya is surrounded by friends and has a face that shines.

Don't pass the hat for a good shrink for Stephanie quite yet. I have not become cynical and I leave Nicaragua feeling peaceful. Yes, certain aspects of Amati and I may not have been beneficial to Nicaragua, but others were very beneficial.

Amati, a guerilla?

A UN official says a "guerilla assault" needs to be taken against IMF and World Bank policies. Well, Amati helped launch one.

Amati's fearless distribution of 300 flyers promoting a simple silent vigil brought motivated people together at the right time. Meetings and gatherings have continued since, and Comite Leon por la Paz is strong. Within weeks, Nicaraguan members of Comite León por la Paz met with diputados of the National Assembly speaking out against the 500 percent rise in light prices by the recently privatized electricity provider, Union Fenosa. There is now a León Network for the Defense of Consumers educating communities of their rights. Recently the Comite hosted a national conference addressing the "behind closed doors" aspect of CAFTA negotiations. Next week they meet in Honduras with other Central Americans to converse with World Bank representatives and other lending agencies about the specific effects of their policies on Central America. They will craft proposals for Central American governments delineating specific and just alternatives to this proposed Central American Free Trade Agreement.

This social movement is gaining momentum. And it is predominately Nicaraguans running the show. YES!

I feel at peace with the direction of Project Minnesota/Leon. We are careful not to be a do-good, pat-ourselves-on-the-back, Good-for-us!, organization. I am particularly impressed with the advocacy/education effort being launched. A delegation from Minnesota will study privatization and CAFTA. It is crucial to disseminate accurate information to Nicaraguans and US Americans about CAFTA. Their attention to these issues, or their lack of awareness, truly affacts the fate of their poor neighbors.

It seems to make sense for an organization such as ours to build schools in communities where there are no schools, or feed kids who are hungry. This is important, but in my opinion, double the money and time should be spent on advocacy and education.

What good does it do for an organization to build a school when World Bank demands that public schools collect from students in order to make more budget available to pay interest to the World Bank? Many kids are not attending school because of ever increasing fees, a phenomenon directly related to World Bank policies toward indebted countries. What good does it do for an organization to fund nutrition cafeterias when the Nicaraguan people either don't vote or vote for a party that passes laws resulting in a 45% drop in corn prices, abandoned land, and increased hunger?

These years, 2003 and 2004, are critical years for Nicaragua. If Nicaragua has to encounter Mexico's fate because of free trade expansion under the Central American Free Trade Agreement, the future here is dark. Since 1994 and NAFTA, 300,000 medium-sized businesses in Mexico have failed. 6 million farmers have stopped cultivating their land because they are unable to compete with the US-subsidized farmers. Mexico's corn prices have plummeted 45% because US prices are simply lower. Not enough corn is being produced in Mexico to feed their people. Imports of corn to Mexico have increased 300%.

I have another disturbing observation: Once liberated from abject poverty, the tendency is for a now only relatively poor person to turn around and under-pay those who are abjectly poor. Here is an example to illustrate this:

My articulate, charismatic, dynamic, brilliant, Nicaraguan friend Lorena grew up on dirt floors and lanterns, sleeping several to a room and sharing a single bed with her sister. While I studied in Spain, she worked as a clothes washer, illegally, in Guatemala. As I started my Master's degree, she was selling pirated CDs on the street in the shadows of the León Cathedral. Some days she and her mom ate, other days they didn't. With the encouragement of a wealthy friend who saw promise in Lorena, she accepted his grant to pay for study at the University. She completed her university studies and now makes $150 a month rather than $30. She can afford a meal out now and then, and medicine for her mother's asthma. She also can afford to hire someone to wash her clothes. And so she does, paying the washer a wage she was paid as a clothes washer, enough to pay for meals every other day. This wage will never allow her washer the opportunity to pay for medicines or replacements for her cardboard walls. Her bright and motivated daughter will only go to college if she, too, can find a wealthy benefactor.

Oh, so much to consider and already such a long letter. I will wrap this up!

What is next? Bike rides, cabin stays, trips back to Nicaragua.

One last time from here in Nicaragua,

Love!

Stephanie